One thing I thought I might blog about is my enforced 'stops'.

While the clinic/doctor wasn't offering much in the way of a cure, one of their recommended strategies is to lie down three times a day for half an hour. Sitting with your head supported is allowed but as we aren't the type of Library to have nice old fashioned wingbacked chairs, lying is the only option.

It was quite a shock to realize that they meant at work, but worse was to come. You're not supposed to sleep for the half hour (although it's not critical if you do), but neither are you supposed to read or anything else. I'm supposed to relax and perhaps listen to waterfalls or oceans or something (fortunately I'd already stumbled across iPod apps with just that that I'd never found a use for until now). Now those who know me will know that I was left somewhat agape at that. But agreed to give it a go. I was told that others had found it helpful.

I've been shocked by just how hard I've found it.
Firstly there's the guilt that I should be working.
Secondly there's the stress of all the work I should be doing but I'm walking away from.
Third there's the difficulty of shutting out of my mind all that's racing around in it. [1]
Fourthly there's the logistics of managing to slot it into a busy diary.

Fortunately the library does actually have a 'sick room' with a bed. Well, a plastic covered mattress on a frame with a pillow of sorts. Not somewhere you'd actually choose to rest. The snag is that it's situated between the staff room and a w.c. It's remarkably hard to relax when I can hear on one side the chatter of colleagues I want to join or on the other side sounds I'd rather not think about!

Thinking back to my time at TheOldPlace where I'd found just such a hideyhole, I investigated an out of the way stairwell, that's really a fire escape route, and climbed to the very top of the building where there's a (locked) door out on to the roof. A nice little alcove there is utterly unvisited and dark and just the machinery noise to listen to. Perfect. The stone floor is improved by a blanket I've brought to work for the purpose which can also be used on the bed if I can't face the climb to the alcove or am really short on time (the sick room is much much closer).

What's surprising is that had I been put on drugs I'd have taken the medicine; had I been put on an exercise regime, I'd have struggled but got on with at as a discipline; had I been put on a difficult diet, I'd have bitten the bullet as it were and got on with it. I've done all of those before.

But this, this has been somehow different. Much harder.

And then I thought of the story of Naaman - you can read it in 2 Kings chapter 5 if you're interested: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings%205&version=NASB
The short version is:
Naaman was an army commander of Aram neighbouring Israel, he had leprosy and a servant girl suggested he go to Elisha (a prophet of Israel) for healing.
Elisha recommends bathing in the River Jordan 7 times as a cure and Naaman is furious thinking the healing would be instant and anyway the rivers back home would have been better.
His servants point out that had he been asked to do some great thing he'd have done it without hesitation so why not give this a go? He does so and is cured.

And so, three times a day I lie down and do nothing. And try to think of nothing. Sometimes in my stairwell alcove; sometimes in the sickroom. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. I can't say I'm feeling 'better', in fact I seem to still be declining over all, but perhaps I'd feel worse without it, and in any case it's the advice I've received so I'm trying to get on with it as a discipline. But such an easy thing still remains remarkably hard.


[1] Square breathing was one recommendation: breath out for a count of three, hold for a count of three, breath in for a count of three, hold for a count of three and so on. I actually find this quite helpful.