I presume the reason I'm wide awake at this time of night - despite going to bed at a good time utterly exhausted - is because of anticipation about the first of these 'group' sessions I'm due to attend.

Did I remember to confirm my attendance?
What will traffic be like getting there?
Will I be too tired to drive? (it's too far from public transport to try that)
Will I be able to get one of the very limited parking spaces?
Do I really want to meet new people and be sociable?
Will it be a stressful social event or quite relaxed and friendly?
Will it actually be of any value?

Well, will find out soon enough.

One thing which I struggle with is the implication - or the outright suggestion - from some people I know that it's my fault I'm not well. I've over done it and if only I'd somehow done less I wouldn't now have CFS. I'm sure they're well meaning in their suggestions that I cut back on what I do - and I have been doing just that - but it's not as simple as that.

But I refuse to accept the blame in that fashion. Although I've never been one for sitting around not doing something, I don't think I was necessarily any busier than the next person. And I can be as idle as you like on occasions: a bit of tv in the evening, a lazy Sunday afternoon, a holiday with no definite activity planned for a day. On top of that I would take time out. Anything from not working on Sundays, to periodic annual leave days where I hadn't scheduled anything and might in winter enjoy a good read or in summer go and sit on a beach (and enjoy a good read!). I've even on a couple occasions taken myself off to a monastary for a five day retreat.

As I understand it, it's a genetic predisposition coupled with some form of 'trigger' - either a viral thing (doctors look at my year in Africa or two years in Asia as culprits, but I'm told it could as easily been something closer to home and as simple as 'flu or even a cold) or a stress related one (perhaps getting married, moving house and changing jobs in the same six months for example). Possibly both virus and stress combined.

But I refuse to take on myself the blame that some want to apportion.

Back on the March 2nd I blogged about why it's hard to 'stop' for half an hour three times a day.

It's got no easier, but I've realized that I missed a fifth reason. Shame or embarrassment. Whenever I go for a 'stop' I always feel nakedly as if the eyes of other Library staff are on me. Judging me. Mentally berating me for slacking off.

It's not helped by the fact that I have to pass either the enquiry desk or the issue desk or both.

I'm sure it's largely in my head - although one junior colleague did once make a comment - but it's still something to deal with.

Now this is quite exciting.

For me at least where this is a first (and dare I suspect last?).

You may recall me blathering on about writing a book chapter last July (28th)
http://doosouth.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html
(does Blogger really not let me have a URL to just that post?)

I mentioned we got one free copy of the book between us but my colleague, quite fairly as the lead author, wants to keep it. So I thought I'd spend pretty much all the money I'm being paid on a second copy of the book.

Amazon have just delivered it and I can hold it in my hands for the first time. Very weird - very satisfying. Not only is there our chapter but there are two short paragraphs on 'future of ebooks' and a 'top tip' that appear later in the book. We're in a section that contains two other chapters and of course our chapter is 'introduced' with the others. But we also get a mention in the chapter before ours. (Fittingly, from the folk whose presentation I went to and who started the ball rolling for us).

I have actually read a chapter already and intend to read more. It's not

just going on my brag shelf! But what's a real relief is that my effort at looking ten years into the future isn't out of place with the other snippets. Because we had to submit that in a vacuum I had no idea if it would hold up to other contributions. But I think it works well. Ten years is a long time in the ebook world though, so I'm not expecting to be very accurate timewise!

While I'm really looking forward to the once a year Traveller (game) convention I'm off to, it's quite a journey and it's unfortunate that I start pretty exhausted from running a two hour workshop on Google for university staff (not to mention just getting my luggage here in the morning).

For a weekend that's mostly about sitting around you'd think it would be no trouble. Sadly not. I've already booked Monday off to recuperate and will be interested to see how it goes this year when I remember finding it tiring last year before I really started going downhill.

The other slight frustration, given it's a weekend all about the 'far future' is that I will almost uncertainly be unplugged from the internet for the duration. There is wifi at the hotel but I'm not prepared to pay $15 a day just to connect in the little free time there is! Call me mean.

Nearly forgot to write about the two things that cheered up my dank Tuesday earlier in the week.

Firstly, the book chapter a colleague and I wrote a while back (surely I blogged about that) was published. It's in print only ironically given its about ebooks but you can see the contents page online. Looking forward to seeing it for real. My first professional book chapter. And I believe we get paid not a lot, but not nothing. $150 won't go far between the two of us.

Second thing was weird and fun.
Apparently it was International Hug a Librarian Day. Who makes this stuff up? Not that it was much in evidence where I was where there wasn't a hug to be had. However, a 100 miles down the road I saw a tweet from someone I've met once at a conference and she was after a hug too. I could only send a virtual one but a little later it occurred to me that I knew an educational technologist at the same university. And as I know her and family little better, thought she might be up for translating the virtual into real. And she was. Took them a day to meet up - but job done!

One thing I thought I might blog about is my enforced 'stops'.

While the clinic/doctor wasn't offering much in the way of a cure, one of their recommended strategies is to lie down three times a day for half an hour. Sitting with your head supported is allowed but as we aren't the type of Library to have nice old fashioned wingbacked chairs, lying is the only option.

It was quite a shock to realize that they meant at work, but worse was to come. You're not supposed to sleep for the half hour (although it's not critical if you do), but neither are you supposed to read or anything else. I'm supposed to relax and perhaps listen to waterfalls or oceans or something (fortunately I'd already stumbled across iPod apps with just that that I'd never found a use for until now). Now those who know me will know that I was left somewhat agape at that. But agreed to give it a go. I was told that others had found it helpful.

I've been shocked by just how hard I've found it.
Firstly there's the guilt that I should be working.
Secondly there's the stress of all the work I should be doing but I'm walking away from.
Third there's the difficulty of shutting out of my mind all that's racing around in it. [1]
Fourthly there's the logistics of managing to slot it into a busy diary.

Fortunately the library does actually have a 'sick room' with a bed. Well, a plastic covered mattress on a frame with a pillow of sorts. Not somewhere you'd actually choose to rest. The snag is that it's situated between the staff room and a w.c. It's remarkably hard to relax when I can hear on one side the chatter of colleagues I want to join or on the other side sounds I'd rather not think about!

Thinking back to my time at TheOldPlace where I'd found just such a hideyhole, I investigated an out of the way stairwell, that's really a fire escape route, and climbed to the very top of the building where there's a (locked) door out on to the roof. A nice little alcove there is utterly unvisited and dark and just the machinery noise to listen to. Perfect. The stone floor is improved by a blanket I've brought to work for the purpose which can also be used on the bed if I can't face the climb to the alcove or am really short on time (the sick room is much much closer).

What's surprising is that had I been put on drugs I'd have taken the medicine; had I been put on an exercise regime, I'd have struggled but got on with at as a discipline; had I been put on a difficult diet, I'd have bitten the bullet as it were and got on with it. I've done all of those before.

But this, this has been somehow different. Much harder.

And then I thought of the story of Naaman - you can read it in 2 Kings chapter 5 if you're interested: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings%205&version=NASB
The short version is:
Naaman was an army commander of Aram neighbouring Israel, he had leprosy and a servant girl suggested he go to Elisha (a prophet of Israel) for healing.
Elisha recommends bathing in the River Jordan 7 times as a cure and Naaman is furious thinking the healing would be instant and anyway the rivers back home would have been better.
His servants point out that had he been asked to do some great thing he'd have done it without hesitation so why not give this a go? He does so and is cured.

And so, three times a day I lie down and do nothing. And try to think of nothing. Sometimes in my stairwell alcove; sometimes in the sickroom. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. I can't say I'm feeling 'better', in fact I seem to still be declining over all, but perhaps I'd feel worse without it, and in any case it's the advice I've received so I'm trying to get on with it as a discipline. But such an easy thing still remains remarkably hard.


[1] Square breathing was one recommendation: breath out for a count of three, hold for a count of three, breath in for a count of three, hold for a count of three and so on. I actually find this quite helpful.