Another Tuesday and the last of the clinics or whatever they're called.

It's only been five 2-hour sessions but even so there's a sense of sadness at saying farewell. Yes, we could keep in touch, but given the realities of how we're all struggling to cope with the basics, we're not kidding ourselves it's likely we'll manage to do so. The older lady who is very local to me has swapped phone numbers as she'd like to meet up in a month or so as a motivation to keep trying the half hour 'recharges' which she struggles with. But given she's a phone person and not on email and I'm just the opposite - it could be tricky!

The session itself covered thinking patterns and negativity. Without quite saying it was all a matter of 'thinking positive' we did touch on cognitive behavior therapy and looked at how destructive thought patterns can be a rut we need to break out of.

We also looked at where we were all were on a cycle of decline-boom/bust-acceptance-improving-steadystate and it was good to hear that most felt they were in the stages of just about accepting where they were or beginning to improve. Just myself and the biker who characterized ourselves as still declining.

We have a one-to-one follow up with the woman running the clinic in six weeks time, but that's it for the sessions - although we can still access the service for a year if need be. As they said, there is no magic pill, but the teaching element has been useful and meeting others in a similar situation has been both helpful and interesting.

I wish them all the best for the future.

Celestial mechanics mean that sometimes the planets 'line up' in ways that get the media going in frenzies of apocalyptic fears. I inhabit three rotas at my local church so I supposed I shouldn't be surprised when they 'line up' in an unusual conjunction. In fact, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before now.

Yesterday I was drumming at the 9.30 service, running the AV at the 11.10 service and then down to preach at the 6.30 service. (Though in fact, we're on a short series of really excellent John Ortberg teaching DVDs at present, so all I had to do was host the session and organize the discussion and follow up afterwards). Just to cap it all, there was an extended family get together for lunch and afternoon celebrating my brother's firstborn's first birthday (and my brother's new job). I couldn't really miss it!

More usually the rotas are just in conflict with each other so I have to arrange a swap or something. I can preach and drum (not simultaneously!) and even preach and run the AV, but I can't drum and run the AV. [1]

I'd seen this line up coming and thought about doing something about it. But inertia set in. Often it can be as much hassle to arrange a swap as just to somehow manage. And I've decided that this will be a 'last time' as I've come to the conclusion I must remove myself from at least two of the rotas. [2] Also, I knew there was Bank Holiday today so I could collapse.

But I can't help wonder if the other reason I didn't make the effort was because the other week when I was off for two days, the only "reason" that might have caused the blip was the fact that I'd happened to be drumming on the Sunday morning and had family round for my own birthday lunch later. I didn't think it was too much, but it was all I could point to. So this seemed the 'ultimate' test as it were. And in fact, although I've been very glad of today to sit and do nothing but read, I could have gone to work and don't feel too bad considering the stupidity of yesterday.

Now I know that this is hardly scientific and that CFS is exactly that variable so it's hard to determine anything about cause and effect and limitations and so on, but at least it means I don't have to fear either continuing to drum or having family around, or - rarely - both.




[1] Well, if I could find someone who knew how to connect an electronic drum pad to the PC, I reckon I could do both. Might not be wise, but would be interesting! I have the cable but can't persuade the bits of software to talk to each other.

[2] Which two is the interesting question!

I took a couple of days sick leave last week.

Not particularly unusual, except that these were the first days I've had sick, to the best of my recollection, where I could only blame the Chronic Fatigue and not something additional such as a cold/flu or upset stomach or something.

I basically found that my legs had turned to jelly as though I'd run a marathon or something and I couldn't walk any distance at all. It was disturbing enough but I thought a day's rest would see me right and I'd be back at work the next day. In fact I probably shouldn't have gone to work as soon as I did as even on the third day I was struggling.

I was also unprepared for the psychological effect of colleagues see the poor shape I was in.

As mysteriously as it had come, however, it seemed to clear up and I was back to my normal (low) level of ability.

Whether this was just a blip or the beginning of many such days is difficult to determine. I can hope for the former, but it's difficult to be hopeful.

What I'm aware I've not yet written about - you'll see why it's hard - is my experience over Easter.

I knew it was going to be a tough few days at the Christian get together for teaching and worship that my family's attended many times in the past. But I deliberately took it easy by doing the morning sessions from the chalet where they were piped through on the (small) TVs. I didn't join the family swims at lunch time every day. I didn't join the kids rampaging around the free funfair each afternoon. Basically I saved myself for the main evening event.

But by Day 3 I couldn't walk as far as the dining hall (just a couple of hundred yards) and so I spent all of Day 4 in the chalet. (My wife even fetched breakfast very kindly!) So on Day 5 we took advantage of the local hire shop and got a wheelchair for the day. At just $10 it seemed a good chance to give it a go without committing to much - plus the venue is very flat. Of course, this wasn't an easy decition to make and it was quite a wake up call for my wife who realized I was closer to the edge than I thought. I found it quite interesing in an intellectual sense going through the experience - from how I felt about it to how others reacted. But in general put it down to doing too much and something that resting the next few days would sort out.

And that seemed to be the case. Until last week.

Another Tuesday meeting.

This one had someone who had been through the 'system' a year ago telling us about her experience with CFS. Bedridden at one point only 2 years ago or so, had to give up work (although working 70 hour weeks in a hospital - not surprising she got sick!).

Now managing something of a normal life using the 'management' techniques we're being told about although not "cured".

So, back to the recharges and pacing. Although if I really listened to her message I think I would have to take away "give up work now, *before* you get really bad, or it will take much longer to get better".

I *knew* that eventually I'd have give up work through decline in any case, I might be tempted to do it now. But of course it's never that easy.

Our clinician would argue that hopefully by putting into place the management techniques, that won't be necessary. But perhaps another day I'll summon the courage to tell you why I know that I'm close to the edge...

At least for this visit I was able to pick up one of the other people on the course who lives nearby. She'd fallen last night and was still feeling shaky enough that she was glad she didn't have to face the 40 minute drive.

Wow! Has it really been so long?

My thanks to the kind reader who wrote to check I was ok as it had been more than a month. Yes, sort of ok. Just watching time flashing past like a swift zooming overhead. Will post.

(Could pretend it was Blogger problems which I've heard have been going on...) :-)