Last night went to see a terrific actor on stage in a dear little intimate theater where I couldn't have asked to be much closer to him. It wasn't a play, or even the readings from his new biography that I thought was on the cards. It was just him on stage for 100 minutes or so without break telling us the life story of a long dead writer who had inspired him.

With no props (except a table on which a glass and a bottle of water stood) he kept us spellbound not so much with an interesting story - although it was that - but with his presence and manner and wit and words. It was entrancing.

I can't work out whether he's inspired me more to Write something or take up a life on the stage!

Learned some scary things today from The Candidate himself and from elsewhere which only confirmed my worst fears about the process. Know any good buses I can thrown myself under?

We'll just have to see how it turns out but I think my faith in the 'system' has taken a blow from which it may never recover. I can't help feeling I would have got as good a result (almost certainly better) by rolling dice. It was best summed up by a former colleague who said "it does sometimes seem that the meticulously fair tick-box approach to performance on the day can be unfair in a wider sense."

What an awful day yesterday. One I hope I never have to repeat although I may be going through something similar in a few months time.

It was interview day for the post I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. The assistant to my assistant (who will soon be retiring himself).

Four candidates, all internal, all suitable and no doubt capable. I knew it would be trouble. Two of them I don't know so well; two I know better from book group and work social events; and one of the latter I get on really well with.

Two of the candidates were real artists which was a bonus in promotions work. For me they stood out - one for his interview and his experience - the other for her poster in the exercise we asked them to do and her enthusiasm.

All things considered it was an extremely close run thing but utterly frustrating to find in the end that the way the panel discussion and assessment goes that there's no room for feelings about how well you think you'd work with someone or how ideal you think someone might be. Or for including knowledge about the experience you know someone has which simply didn't get expressed. With some input from the exercise, it's mostly down to how well the questions were answered.

The upside was that all four were "appointable" as the expression goes; the surprise was that, asked in the exercise to create "promotional material", everyone focussed on producing a poster rather than also thinking about how they might put something on a web page, our plasma screen, or social media. I know they didn't have a lot of time, but a hint or a tweet wouldn't have taken a moment.

Physically it was a demanding day - 11am to just before 5pm with virtually nothing in the way of a break. I'd been prepared for that and knew it would be hard. Emotionally/socially/psychologically - well, I knew that would be hard too but I had absolutely no idea of just how utterly impossible it would be. Especially having to face a result that will probably be the hardest and strangest for me. And you're so aware that there's only one job and therefore three very disappointed people. Why can't I have all four?!

I cried all the way home and having taken the phone to bed I was so nearly unable to move, called each of the four for ten minutes apiece and slept the sleep of the dead. If I never have to do that again, it will be too soon.